When I was in grad school, I used to wear nail polish so that cute girls would hold my hands while applying polish for me. Apparently, I didn’t go far enough…
If there’s any group as sexy as idols, it’d have to be trannies – transexuals are great, especially the pre-op variety, but transvestites can be just as alluring. So imagine my surprise and delight to find out the new AKB48 unit No Sleeves will be doing a drama where they have to pose as boy idols! Here’s the Tokyograph write-up and here’s the official site for the show.
It’s called Men-dol, which is an atrocious word and reminds me too much of Midol. (Could that possibly be a plot twist they’re preparing?) Why not call it Ko-Guys or Jonas Brothers Japan or Transex in the City instead? (Speaking of the Jonas Brothers, are promise rings a mandatory part of the AKB contract?)
As the person who first asked The Crying Game Question a while back, I now find myself wondering: which of these idol groups are hotter and more sexually enticing? Sure, No Sleeves is the “real” group, but fantasizing about Men-dol will get me the same mileage on practical terms.
So let’s look at each pair of idols and see who’s got more hawtness going on.
First, the wonderful Takahashi Minami, she of the blown pistol and extra-hard beach ball throw in “Baby! Baby! Baby!”. She’s wearing a great top there, and she looks as bad-ass as ever in this shot.
So with somebody who does butch so well, the addition of an imaginary penis should be great, right? Well, not here. I really really don’t like this picture of her Men-dol self. I think it’s because she looks like one of those child actors from the last century, like Chip on Kate & Allie or maybe a guest star on Saved By the Bell or something. The kind who’s cute as the dickens then grows up and winds up sucking cock to feed his meth habit before finding Jesus and winding up on some horrible VH1 show.
So that’s one for the girls.
Next up is Kojima Haruna. And while she’s usually quite hot, her No Sleeves picture here isn’t very good. She’s got a kind of Desperate Maasa feel, which does not suit her well at all.
Her Men-dol self, however, is quite fetching and sexy! More confident, a little confrontational, and I’m willing to bet he walks like he’s carrying around a Tony Tedeschi trouser snake below the waist. Actually, I’d even go so far as to say that manly Kojima could pass for a Johnny’s idol! Maybe one of the older Hey! Say! Jump stallions, or perhaps a replacement for Nakamura so that the unit would become KAT-TUK.
So yeah, with the hope that the XX version of Kojima is indeed packing a magnum – and also has a sensitive side – I’d go with the Men-dol version.
Now we’re at a tie.
I love Minegishi Minami but that bonnet is fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be Gothic Lolita or Holly fucking Hobby, it disappoints me to see her look like that. However, Minegishi is Minegishi is Minegishi. She taps into that lizard brain part of my wota self that is unthinkingly devoted to a given idol, and so I find the female Minami so very sexy and attractive and deserving of all my pathetic worship and so on.
However. That same lizard brain part of my wota self can’t help but lick its lips at the Men-dol Minegishi as well. Sure, you swap out the taco for the hot dog, but that’s still a pretty mouth and those are still pretty eyes and that pout is adorable on any gender at any time. I even like the hairdo on Minegishi Male – is it tinted blue, or am I imagining things? – as it’s got a rough-and-ready, tumble-me-around kind of look to it.
So in my twisted imaginary world where I have to choose between female Minegishi and male Minegishi, I’ll be greedy and take both. Then invite some friends over for a full-on Caligula in the Don Quijote Theater kind of entertainment.
However, this means we end with a draw. So it’s kind of like those lame Hulk versus Thing arguments, except superheroes aren’t nearly as homoerotic. (Ha! I kid. Superheroes are plenty homoerotic.)
All that said, I really do hope that this series goes well, and that the drama will be fansubbed by some eager overseas AKB fans. My expectations for the show itself aren’t very high. I mean, come on – the premise is what, Bosom Buddies meets Nuns on the Run with a dash of Citizen Kane and Scorpio Rising thrown in for good measure. All I ask is that it be at least a step up from the rather horrible eighties teen flick Just One of the Guys.
There’s so much potential, though, so I can at least hope. If we’re getting into the whole drag king thing, why not have prosthetic penii and use Boogie Nights as a model? I’d love to see Kojima pull a monster cock out of her trousers and whisper, “I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star.” Or if all three of them did it at the same time.
That could even be the opening for the next AKB48 PV!
I have a friend who I don’t see often but write to as regularly as I can. This is something I wrote her just a little while ago, which may amuse some of you…
The Latest News In How Johnny’s Is Making Me Gay
KAT-TUN’s Kame-kun is currently starring in the drama One Pound Gospel, as I told you a while back. Anyways, one of his co-stars is a member of Say! Hey! Jump, Yamada Ryosuke. And Ryo-kun looks a LOT like one of my favorite Hello! Project girls, Murakami Megumi. As in, when I first saw him in the drama, I thought he was a girl. Lemme find pics…
Now, Megukami got kicked out of Hello! Project a year and a half ago because she was caught dating a boy. And she was one of my absolute favorites, perhaps second only to Momoko at the time. So seeing Ryo-kun has been like watching Megukami return, except now Megukami is no longer a prettty girl but a pretty boy.
So in my twisted mind, that makes me ask what I call The Crying Game Question: if I had a chance to get intimate with someone who looks just like a favorite idol of mine, but that person was a boy and not a girl, would I do it? And in the case of Ryo-kun, it was an immediate yes. I think if we’re talking about a boy who looks just like Momoko, I’d also say yes. As for a man who looks just like Amuro Namie, I think I’d say no.
Thankfully, none of this will ever be tested in real life.
So my question is: if you had a chance to sleep with someone who looks EXACTLY like your favorite idol but was the opposite gender, would you do it? Or would you draw the line with some lookalikes and not others? In the case of a Namie she-male, I think it just wouldn’t be as satisfying, which I think is an even stranger thing to admit than the notion that Ryo-kun as a Megukami-replacement would be satisfying.
I want everybody to close their eyes, indulge their steamiest fantasy about their favorite idol, except looking down, you see the wrong set of genitalia. How do you react? Full steam ahead (so to speak), or run away screaming?