Berikyuu! Episode 15: Morning Musumes Of Joy

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Here we go with another episode of Morikyuu! – wait, Berikyuu!. If it was called Morikyuu! then maybe it’d make sense that Morning Musume had taken over this show. Well, when stuck with lemon…

“Today I want to explain to you the hidden meaning of the new Morning Musume PV. As profits diminished and their fan base focused on dirty old men with very filthy thoughts, it was only a matter of time before UFA decided to give the fans what they really want – and charge a good deal of money for it.”

“So remember, Morning Musume now accept Visa and Mastercard – but they don’t take Discover!”

Koharu meets her date – or should we say “date” – at a nice coffee shop. He asks her if she’s that semi-retarded girl who does ethnic dances while squeaking like a helium-filled hamster being shoved up a tight rectum. She smiles and wonders how long it’ll take before the drugs she took kick in and she does that weird chanting sing-song thing from “Konnichi Pa” as a prelude to some vigorous horizontal mattress-shaking.

Takitty is worried. Sure, she’ll still take special requests from her old customers and do some bareback for a bag full of five yen coins. And of course, her ballet skills help a great deal with some customers demanding a more “acrobatic” night of Hot Musume Action. But for the most part, she’s become the de facto pimp of this ring: Makoto and Yagu taught her how to beat that extra dollar out of her girls, and to make sure each of them are prepared for every “special date” they attend, and was reminded of how disposable they all are since they’re idols.

Still, it’s a heavy burden she didn’t expect. Yossie had the advantage of charisma and a personality – two things little Ai lacked. And Mikitty had previously trained a couple of H!P Kids in her own house of ill repute and so was well-poised to take over the Morning Musume leadership. Takitty had been happy just doing all the grunt-work – actually, grunt-and-moan-work – but when the responsibility was thrust upon her like a huge John Holmes wang, she was a real trouper, swallowed her pride, swallowed something else that was stickier, and took on the job.

Sayumi has taken well to the life, but she wishes she had more of an audience for the fine work she does.

“The only difference between being a pop idol and an AV idol is whether or not I fuck people in front of the camera! And really, that’s like almost no difference at all, right? And no one’s going to bitch if my singing sucks, right? That’s a plus, right?”

Meanwhile, Reina is leaving the zoo, disgusted with the acts of bestiality she was just forced to commit. Up to now she thought “hung like a horse” was the alternative to shooting a lame thoroughbred… Alas, there is no saying along the lines of “nimble like a feces-throwing baboon with a hard-on like a Crayola marker”, but she learned about that tonight, too.

And seriously, if those B’s don’t scream FM, I don’t know what does.

Sayumi and Eri are relaxing after jointly handling a trailer full of horny carnies, some of whom hadn’t showered since Speed was the reigning girl group of Japan. Eri found herself drifting off during some of this Last Exit to Brooklyn styled encounter, wishing she opened up a coffee shop or some such nonsense. However, Sayumi’s talk about being a different kind of idol makes her excited all over again.

“I have this connection at a studio called Attackers!, and with a name like that you know they must be classy!”

Reina is sad about how her life has gone. She remembers cosplaying as Minimoni as a child – now she cosplays as Minimoni for the truly sick fucks who like to combine their jankenpyon with hardcore fisting.

Meanwhile, Gaki is checking her keitai to make sure she gets the address for her next stop correct. After her Alo-Hello, she became the favorite of strange old foreign men with weird accents and very sharp memories of swinging in the 1960s and 1970s. She doesn’t know what a key party is, but assumes it involves singing a note properly before having a half-dozen old Eurotrash bastards jump her bones. At least, that’s what she’s been getting used to, as of late.

Koharu accepts the terms of her latest customer: she is expected to CRY CRY as she’s suspended upside-down and flogged with stringy bits of mozzarella.

Aika’s coming home from a late night appointment. She worries that if Takitty finds out she’s holding back on tips, she’ll whack Aika around with a baseball bat across her midsection – which was the true source of her “appendicitis” hospital stay.

She had overheard Takitty talking about ninth-gen auditions and how the H!P Asian Expansion is just a way to bring in some seasoned Thai hookers into the group to better see to the needs of the clientele. She also overheard about the next “graduation”, unexpected and sudden as it will be…

The Pandas had the night off tonight, mostly because LinLin complained about the sores not healing as quickly as Takitty said they would. And then there was that other incident a few weeks earlier…

“I don’t care if it hurts when you pee!” Takitty had yelled over the phone. “You just keep chugging down that Gatorade and urinate on that customer until he’s had his fill and pays his money! I don’t care if he dresses up like cabbage and demands to be watered with love, his credit is good with us!”

JunJun had already gone to the bathroom and taken the pistol Clemenza – I mean, Tettekette – had taped there for her. She’s waiting for her moment… waiting…

“What’s the matter JunJun?” LinLin asks. “I’m finally leaving this horrible circle of vice and depravity, and you don’t seem at all happy for me!”

“Oh dear God, may lightning strike down all those other bitches I work with. And please God, let me be the head pimp of Morning Musume so that I can slap down these idol ho’s and make them cry every fucking day.” Amen to that, Aika!


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4 Responses to “Berikyuu! Episode 15: Morning Musumes Of Joy”
  1. reina_t_1111 says:

    Really, Mr. Mescallado, I’m not that kind of girl at all…

  2. Julia says:

    Seifuku ga jama wo suru, motto jiyuu ni ai saretai no…

  3. Chris says:

    Oh my god! That Panda shot IS reminiscent of Michael and Solozzo! Good food, everyone minds their business…Jun Jun, just drop your arm to the side and let the gun fall out of your hand!

  4. Garamon says:

    You sure are a sick bastard, Ray. I like it. And I agree with Chris; the Godfather allusion was pretty cool. 😀