Berikyuu! Episode 14: It Turns Freakin’ Ugly

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… And here we are. The point where Berikyuu! briefly stopped making any sense whatsoever.

Ah, Manoeri, looking so brave in the face of despairing times!

“Hi, I’m here to completely fuck up this episode! Don’t worry, we’re the flagship unit so that means you have to love us!”

Takahashi is a dedicated leader, making sure to train herself to be as boring as possible and not just let her natural skill at being boring let her cruise by.

I didn’t realize how much I dislike the current Morning Musume until they took over this episode of Berikyuu! and I felt myself ripped off of my expected dosage of H!P Kids eyecandy. I still hold some fondness for three of the current Musumes – Aika, of course, and Koharu and Sayumi – but until they get rid of the rest of the members, I just don’t care about the unit as a whole. The sum is much more annoying than the individual parts, there is a synergy of suckitude that happens when you place all nine girls in a room and the ones I like just get overwhelmed by it.

Now that I think about it, I can’t even say I strongly dislike – and by no means do I hate – any of the six other girls. JunJun sometimes amuses me, and I appreciate how her tears can brighten up my day. But for the most part, they just don’t fit into what I want and expect from my idols. In the imaginative space of my private wota universe, they’re non-entities and I feel some resentment – a sense of my time being wasted – by having to deal with them in any significant manner. I think it’s the same feelings that some Morning Musume fans feel about the H!P Kids units, that Berryz and C-ute are really beside the point, that the main show is the flagship. Well, for me the main show are Berryz and C-ute (and now Milky Way), and Morning Musume are beside the point.

Would I feel different if Mikitty were still around? Probably. She would change the dynamic of the group considerably. But I think I just wanna fast-forward to the point where Takitty and Reina and Eri and Gaki are all graduated, Sayumi becomes the leader with Koha as subleader, and a bunch of fresh new Morning Jailbait has been added to the mix.

Anyway, back to our little drama: those last tabs of E seems to be fucking up Eri and Sayumi pretty badly…

Eri is so happy! “Man, those wota were real nice to buy us these snacks! But is it me, or does the special sauce smell like Monbu Ran after she’s made one of her Ayaya tribute movies?”

You know, Sayumi does look a lot like Maria Ozawa, if you squint enough and imagine a bunch of random penises being aimed at her direction. Which, if you think about it, is what a Morning Musume concert is, really, except the penises are mostly being kept under wraps even as they point Shige-wards.

“Truth be known, there are times when I wonder if Maria Ozawa had made wiser career choices than me!”

And here we catch Reina with her latest image upgrade: she’s decided that winking so fucking much is ridiculous, so she’ll just close her eyes for a minute then open her eyes for a minute, and so on and so on. It’s like winking, but less stressful on the wota who’d enter seizures from all that rapid movement.

“Okay, Reina, for this shot you’ll need to both walk and chew gum at the same time. And you can’t use your winking to time left-foot-right-foot like you do during concerts!”

“Is it true I come out looking like a whore for this video? I hope so, because whores don’t have to wink, they just have to roll their eyes up to the back of their heads when faking orgasms. At least, the ones who trained me did.”

“You know, you’d all be nicer to me if I was a miracle girl like Koharu!”

Speaking of which, here is the Miracle Girl… um… well, I don’t have anything bad to say about her, actually.

She looks quite lovely in this shot, doesn’t she? Mature – demure, even, and I really like her hair here. She seems so normal, so clearly a young woman who is making her way in the world.

Of course, the only conclusion one can make is that when it’s time for her to play Kirarin, they reach into her skull and pull out the left hemisphere of her brain. She is a medical miracle, able to function with half a brain and thus able to portray mentally damaged anime characters to perfection when it’s called upon. When it’s time to sing “Konnichi Pa”, they yank out her medulla oblangata as well.

Here are the pandas – ironically enough, they’ve actually ordered Cream Of Some Young Panda with a side of Chow Mein and some Diced Koharu Brains In Garlic Sauce. There was some Filipino balut on the menu, but LinLin said, “Man, that shit’s nasty!” and they passed on it. Mmmm… balut…

Ah, here is the one bright light in the midst of all this Morning Crapitude! And hey, Aika is looking quite hot here!

Sometimes I like to imagine what Aika’d be like in Morning Musume after three or four more years. Sure, she’ll have the bodies of Takitty and Gaki and especially that bitch JunJun buried in her backyard somewhere, but she may also emerge as a kind of fearsome creature of nasty temperament and cutting wit. Perhaps, given time and infinite impatience with those around her, she may even emerge as the Second Coming Of Nakazawa that so many of us wish would happen. Okay, just me. But still.

“If I make these other bitches cry, will you love me more?” she asks. Of course, when she asks that, she is speaking directly to me and me alone, because that’s the kind of relationship I want with my idols. And of course, the answer is YES YES YES!!! MAKE THEM CRY!!! MAKE THEM WEEP!!! MAKE THEM CHOKE ON THEIR TEARS FOR WASTING MY TIME!!!

And Aika says, “Okey-dokey, smokey.” To me and me alone.

And because we don’t want to end on an upbeat note or anything, here is Gaki-san. Apparently, she is preparing for her future as a homeless person, wandering the streets of Tokyo going, “I used to be a pop idol. People used to love me. Now I keep stray cats in my capacious pockets and shampoo my hair with Crisco. Do you have any spare change? How about five yen coins? I have a fellow homeless former idol who collects them.”

Anyway, enough of this fucking atrocity. Hopefully, this is all just a horrible fluke and we’ll be back with the H!P Kids in the next episode, right? Right?

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One Response to “Berikyuu! Episode 14: It Turns Freakin’ Ugly”
  1. David says:

    Thanks so much for turning an incredibly dull Berikyuu episode in to a fun one with your commentary!