Berikyuu! Episode 9: More Of The Same Crap

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I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – just a few more episodes of this stupid Wii challenge and we can move on to other stupid stuff in other episodes. In all seriousness, what the hell were the people behind this show thinking when they planned the episodes?

Again we begin with Manoeri, who’s fast becoming the salvation, the rock by which Berikyuu! may be saved.

Really, it should be Momoko, of course, but Momoko not being in every episode is the First Major Problem with this show and Manoeri is the only constant.

How do you all think her soloist training is going so far? Can anybody picture her actually breaking out into a major star in her own right, or is she just being bred to appeal even more to the wota such as myself who’ve taken a liking to her?

Will she start out as early solo Gocchin or late solo Gocchin? Do they have to give her lessons on how to properly handle her boobs during a performance? is there a Public Dry Humping 101 and Advanced Looking Horny But Not Slutty seminars?

Well, she’s got charisma to spare, at any rate. Hopefully she’ll get a photobook as part of her marketing push.

So let’s move forward!

The new challenge is now Momoko versus Erika!

Momoko. Momoko Momoko Momoko.

Seriously, just give me Momokyuu!. I’ll be happy.

She can just sit there and blink. I won’t care.

Meanwhile, Erika’s competitive spirit seems to be seriously in play again. Everybody else seems to not really give two shits, but Erika gets all intense, stands up during gameplay, frets over her choices… Why?

The first question is… Am I seeing this right? Is Momoko being asked to rate wire hangers that are most ideal for cases of “idol gastroenteritis” or “idol appendicitis”?

“I don’t know about this, Nakasaki says that a couple seconds with a Hoover will also do the trick.”

“The wire hanger with the three extra bars may be for getting in real good and making sure the scrape’s taken,” Momoko muses…

And she got it right!

“Of course, we don’t recommend such actions,” Erika adds.

“Always check with your back alley doctor before doing anything,” Maimi says responsibly.

What’s this? A musical question being asked of idol singers? Are you kidding?

Come on! They’re too busy posing in bikinis and playing Wii games and trying not to be caught in the tabloids to learn something as superfluous as reading music!

Ahh, but Momoko seems to be taking this in stride! What a smile! What beauty!

Okay, stop. Just look at her. Just look at her! What a lissome, seductively gorgeous young woman Momoko is. Granted, it takes a good deal of make-up and styling and lighting and so on to make her appear like this, but still…

Anyway, she got this one right, of course. I actually do hope the girls are taught how to read music as a part of their work, it can only do them good.

The next question apparently involves Maimi.

“What is the most difficult part about Maimi’s life as an idol? Is it all the screaming wota who want her attention, the burden of having two photobooks that show off how sexy and attractive she is, being part of more than one unit in H!P, or all of the above?

Maimi responds, “Oh, that’s a tough one. What do you think is most difficult for you, Erika?”

“Yes, Erika,” Momoko says. “On the one hand, being part of more than one unit means you have t do a lot more work…”

“But then, my two photobooks have already led to seven different wota killing themselves over the fact that they could never have me.”

“Damn, Momoko!” Maimi says in an admiring tone. “Your wota are total hardcore nutjobs!”

“What about the first option, then, Erika? You know what it’s like to have the vast majority of wota screaming out your name in sheer, mindless adoration, right?”

“I hate when that happens…” Momoko says out loud, but is thinking to herself, “I must assemble my army and bide my time…”

“Momoko, you are so fucking cool,” Maimi says at this point. “I don’t care if you’re a midget, I wanna get my hands all over you and work my tongue on you like a hot soapy sponge and then hand you off to Kanna and then come back for her sloppy seconds.”

“The answer, by the way, is ‘all of the above’. But you knew that, Erika, because you’ve had to deal with all these things Momoko and I have dealt with, right?”

Momoko chooses the right answer with her Wii-mote and looks even cuter than ever for being so correct.

“Let’s have a club where only H!P Kids with two photobooks or more are allowed to join!”

“That’s a great idea!” Maimi answers, “We can call it the Young Idols With An Actual Fan Base Who Will Buy Our Stuff And Have Sick Fantasies About Us That They Post On The Interwebs Club!”

“Yes, it will be a very good club, a very exclusive club, of H!P Kids who must actually worry about a scandal ruining our careers because we have careers worth talking about! Oh, Erika, you’re so lucky you don’t have to worry about such things!”

“Oh Momoko, you are so much cooler and more popular and sexier and smarter and able to pull off difficult Kuma Sutra positions better than me!” Erika finally admits.

Erika tries her hand at being extra-kawaii and has mixed results, at best.

Next question: why are these men hitting each other with sticks?

“Waving around sticks and dressed in funny costumes… They must be wota!”

“Those glow sticks really suck, though. They’re nice and big and phallic, but they don’t really glow.”

“Maybe it’s Mikitty wota fighting off all the other wota?” Momoko asks, unsure.

“A wota once wore an overcoat covered with my pictures,” Erika muses. “I wish he’d stalk me for a while.”

And Erika gets this one right!

“Man, these outfits are binding down my funbags like you wouldn’t believe!” Maimi suddenly says for no apparent reason.

“How about you guys? Are your costumes itching? Don’t you want to take them off? Not you, Saki, but Momoko. Don’t you wanna strip some?”

Erika’s next question is about… what’s this?

Oh, they’re teaching practical skills to the girls once they’re kicked out of H!P for lack of popularity or a scandal.

“Why do I have to learn to cook on an open fire in the woods?” Erika asks. “Yasuda Kei and Maeda Yuki are still pulling a paycheck and they’re even less popular than me!”

“That’s some consolation, isn’t it?” Maimi asks.

“Hello! Project will keep employing any idol they can hold onto, just so long as they’re not caught fucking or smoking or committing vehicular homicide!”

Ah, it’s so funny because it’s so true! Talk about job security!

Saki laughs in relief as well, while Momoko continues to ponder new ways to get rid of her so-called competition.”

“What the fuck, it doesn’t even matter what answer I choose, does it?” Erika realizes. But underneath the smile, she continues to take this game seriously.

The last question for Erika is another variation of Two Girls One Cup.

“Wait, those aren’t coffee grounds? And what was that being poured on it?”

“Maimi, is it best to swish that around your mouth first, or do you just go for the quick swallow?”

“Actually, Erika, if you rub some Vick’s by your nostrils first, then it won’t smell nearly as bad and you can even chew to your heart’s content.”

“Oh, there was this one time that Kanna and I decided to play the game and she had been eating asparagus just for the occasion!” Maimi enthuses.

Anyway, Erika gets it wrong.

Erika doesn’t seem too happy. Can you blame her? It’s not like she has photobooks or another unit or a solid fan base to take up her time. She’s got this game and C-ute and that excellent solo track, and that’s it.

I’ve been picking on Erika a lot, but that’s mostly because she’s easy to pick on and getting in the way of Moar Momoko. Erika’s far and away my least favorite H!P Kid, even lower than Risako, but I’ll admit I’m seeing more potential in her. Not here, by any means, but she may still be able to get past That Awkward Phase which has been the past five, six years of her life and surprise us all.

So to sum things up: Momoko looks happy and that’s all I care about.

And Berryz won this round. BFD and all, but whatever brightens my Momoko’s world brightens my world. She is the one redeeming factor of this show still, and the only reason I’m going to stick with this. It’s like that saying about climbing up a hill of dung to smell one perfect rose. Except I’m making sure to have Vicks on my upper lip till I get to the top.


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