Berikyuu! Episode 7: Saki At Bat

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At this point, all that’s keeping me going through these reviews is a great deal of spite and unresolved horniness for certain H!P Kids. That means I can only last for… what? Seven, eight more years?

Manoeri reading in the pews. If there were wota next to her, they would be reading the Book of Psalms. Or maybe the Book of Rosie Palmer.

What could it be? Is it fanfic? Yaoi fanfic?

Who would be involved in yaoi fanfic that Manoeri would want to read? One can only imagine.

“So there’s this mudpool,” Manoeri explains, “And in this mudpool are two guys… and their names are…”

“Whoops! Time’s up! Let’s go on to the boring part of the show!”

it should be noted that unlike the first week’s line-up of Kids, in the second week it seems pretty balanced. Not completely, though…

Two Berryz, one with two photobooks, one with none. One of the most popular Berryz and one of the less popular Berryz. One is the leader, both work in other active units.

Two C-uties, one with two photobooks, one with none. One is the leader and is active in other units. The other used to be leader and gave it up, and is not active in other units.

Okay, so if this was SPEED, Erika would be stuck in the Hitoe role. Except I really really like Hitoe – she always had this vibe that if you can’t cop a feel off Erika or Hiro, you can at least take Hitoe in the back for a quickie and relieve some blueballed stress. I don’t get that from Erika at all. Or perhaps don’t want to get it…?

So anyway, it’s the lesser halves fighting each other today.

I like Saki. I like her a lot, actually.

Her Mii looks a lot like her. Which isn’t meant as a compliment, just an observation on how…

… generic she can look, sometimes.

Okay, greet me with a bunch of kanji and let me jump to the worst conclusions possible. So I’m guessing it’s a question on the proper treatment of STDs. Let’s see, how about: “Your crotch is riddled with small insects and your ears ring loudly whenever you urinate. What is the proper treatment for this?”

Saki thinks, “You can treat that? Why didn’t somebody tell me?”

Saki leans towards the third answer, “Pour gasoline on your crotch and smoke a joint.”

Maimi’s thinking the first answer, “Get some geckos on your crotch to eat the insects,” makes more sense.

On a slight tangent, look at how the Wii pointer is moving so fast! What is Saki doing with it? Is she making sure to hold at the base before jerking it vigorously?

I wanna see how Saki is holding that Wii! Why aren’t we getting a shot of it! Where is her Wii-hand exactly!

Erika prefers the gasoline option. Apparently, her years of huffing gas hasn’t just impacted her looks.

“How about the second option? Report to UFA for proper medical treatment.”

“FUCK THAT,” says Momoko, knowing the Unspoken Code Of Conduct To Avoid Getting Your Ass Canned. This is different from the Unspoken Code Of Conduct To Avoid Getting Your Ass Caned, which is about being nice to Kanna and hoping she doesn’t invite you to her dungeon.

“No, that’s got to be it. I have to be a tool of the system!”

Ah, Captain… you have to toe the company line, don’t you? And you’re rewarded for it, of course!

It’s a trap, of course. UFA is waiting to catch some of the older, better-paid girls in scandals so they can boot them out and replace them with Eggs, who apparently are willing to work for brightly colored beads and assorted rubber bands.

By the way, am I the only one who uses the Star Trek Chekhov pronunciation when referring to Saki? That is, “Kep-tin” instead of “Cahp-ten”? It seems more fitting for some reason.

The next question looks good, based on the over-enthused, hyper-genki look on these girls’ faces.

Okay, so what we have here is… Oh god. It’s a plaster caster!

“This again?” Saki thinks. “I just did another one for Makoto last week. He’s always giving them away to former Coconuts Musumes.”

Again, look at how agitated the Wii-mote is being handled. Back and forth, vigorous motion…

“What is the best material for casting a gelatin sculpture that can feed a party of seventy idols?”

Maimi’s delighted! “They’re serving edible plaster caster for the next H!P brunch!”

“This is ridiculous,” Saki says, clearly peeved. “With a standard Japanese wang, you’ll be slicing it so thin for seventy people that it’ll be like pepperoni for a pizza.” Apparently, being captain means that Saki not only knows her plaster casting, but statistics on Japanese wangs and pizzas.

“Or you could use Gackt-san and have magnum-sized servings for everyone!”

“But if you use Gakuto-sama for the mold, wouldn’t you be obliged to make it vanilla flavored? Get it? Vanilla?”

“Shut up, bitch.”

Saki imagines what it’d be like to prep Gackt for the process. It could be worse, she figures. She could also have to work over all of Orange Range, and those ugly fuckers would compare her to Aibon.

“Hey, why not bring in Yoshiki, Miyavi, and Sugizo so you make a plaster caster SKIN smorgasbord?”

The thought of four VK legends being fitted for edible wang casts that will then be served to all the Hello! Project girls at brunch is of course one of the most frequently discussed items in our corner of the blogosphere, but nevertheless it seems to retain its freshness when the girls themselves discuss the topic.

“Of course, Yoshiki’s plaster caster is likely to collapse before it’s served…” Maimi suddenly adds.

Anyway, Saki gets the answer right and thanks Maimi for being a total VK whore groupie – in spirit, if nothing else. Okay, it’s more than “nothing else”. Ask her about her collection of Miyavi pubic hair. Apparently he has indeed grown two or three over the course of his lifetime.

Now the next question involves… um… oh dear. This is real cheap, UFA. Can’t you afford to give your stars a Rabbit Pearl? This is way ghetto, even if the reach looks sufficient and the handle looks like it’ll keep steady even under heavy lubrication.

Look at how AGITATED Saki is! She’s shaking that Wii like there’s no tomorrow over this, ah, cooking implement.

Look at how the Wii-mote caresses over the side of the, um, cooking implement, perhaps to agitate it to a firmer plasticity.

The next question is obvious: which of these cooking implements will best suit a night where you guzzle down a four-pack of wine coolers and are feeling randy but don’t want masculine company? 1, the first implement; 2, the second implement; 3, work with the hands; or 4, give Kanna a call?

“My wota give me better quality machines than that,” Momoko brags. “Some of them even cut off their real thing and attach it to a flashlight!”

Saki is sad, because she’s never had any of her wota pull a Vincent Van Gogh on their privates for her sake.

“I like the first one best! The metal one could rust!”

Erika and Maimi seem to agree. They still fear Kanna, who’s done things with her fists that make Chloe Nicholle shiver in fear.

Then again, the third answer is always reliable. Don’t have to worry about your hand running out on batteries or accidentally breaking off in the middle of a good moment. Well, except for that one H!P Egg who’s got a prosthetic arm…

“Maybe Kanna is the right answer…!” Saki adds, edging down slowly, just the same way Kanna would, prowling dangerously low into that zone, and…

No! The though of hand-powered love takes over Saki again.

“Bitch, stop shaking so damn much!” Momoko says, getting annoyed.

Erika then offers her advice on the question: “If you go with the first, you insert it sideways…”

“Then, you do a twist past the dangly part in there and through to the what’s-it which makes you go all a-shiver.” Thank God for technical expertise.

“Okay, but if we had the Rabbit, there’d be a massaging motion to accompany the process and add to the lubrication.”

Erika gets pissed. “That’s what your other hand’s fingers are for, bitch. Do I have to explain everything?”

“Oh wait, I’m helping my opponent. My bad! Go with the second choice, then. See if I care.”

Saki finally pulls the trigger (so to speak) and chooses the first option…

And she gets it!

“Oh yay!”

“Now somebody get me those wine coolers and everybody but the camera man please leave the room!”

So Saki scores three for three on questions involving STDs, edible plaster casters, and cooking implements! What a girl! What an idol!

But holy shit – that’s the whole episode! We went from both sides of a challenge in the last episode, to just half of the challenge in this one? They’re milking this like Okada Yui’s boobs when it’s feeding time for the Eggs.

“My Wii-mote has gone limp. I don’t need it anymore. Somebody help get this off me.” Ah, Saki, you’re so love em and leave em!

I still have faith in Berikyuu! actually. I’m not sure why, but I do. This episode needs moar Momoko, but at least she’s there. And have I mentioned that their costumes are fugly? They still are.

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One Response to “Berikyuu! Episode 7: Saki At Bat”
  1. Arbitrary Greay says:

    It’s okay, persevere! Episodes 11 and 12 finally get us sweet rehearsal footage of the concert. And then MM, feeling threatened by these youngsters, hijack episode 14 to pimp Resonant Blue by showing us how they made it.(Nearly giving Reina hypothermia)

    But wow, this is your most hilarious Berikyuu write-up yet. The screencaps seem to fit to the captions instead of the other way around.(“Shut up, bitch” XD) Add that my peer group has conversations like that all the time, every day, and I could see the Kids knowing the innuendo behind it all.(Why else would the crotch and chest thrusts be so convincing?)
    The episode was just asking for dirtification. That bucket thing looks suspiciously like a pussy-in-a-can minus the lid.
    And you can’t go wrong with mocking Japanese male goods, though I’m surprised you didn’t add a dig in about how VKers don’t have any.

    I will die happy if they end up playing No More Heroes.