Berikyuu! Episode 6: The Star Finally Shines

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So the third week’s Berikyuu! began today, but I still have all the week two episodes to catch up on. Luckily, they’ve finally brought out the real star of the show and different kind of challenges from week one, so I’m actually pretty excited!

Okay, not very excited. But at least I get to see Momoko. I’m easy to please in that way.

Again, we begin with Manoeri in the church, reading a book.

Which now makes me think this could be like some kind of wota game of Clue.

Who knocked up Miss Solo Egg and in what location?

And she reveals the answer: “It was Miss C-ute Egg, under the Altar, with a Turkey Baster!”

Whoa. What’s this? I guess high school has let out and it’s the big girls’ turn to play! Which actually is a funny thing to say, since height-wise it’s the two shortest Berryz in today’s line-up with the two tallest C-ute.

And what’s the challenge? They get to play the Wii!

Maimi and Erika look genuinely happy because of this…

Saki and Momoko, less so. Maybe it’s because while the girls of C-ute wasted a couple of years waiting for something to happen and developing their gaming skills out of boredom, the Berryz girls were actually performing and singing and making videos and doing concerts and therefore didn’t have as much time playing video games? Could that be it? Could that be it?

Of course not.

Momoko and Maimi. Well.

Okay, I just have to say, it’s damn shame they didn’t decide to go with a show called H!P Kids Makeout Party instead of Berikyuu! because this is one couple I’d love to see in a three-minute tongue-lock.

“Maimi-chan, will you let me get to second base with you?”

“I don’t know, Momoko-chan, are your hands not so cold this time?”

Anyway, I guess Momoko’s up first with the Wii-mote.

Honest to God, couldn’t they at least have had a game where she had to hold the Wii-mote by the base and then shake it vigorously for a while? What’s the point of having something phallic around if you’re not gonna give at least a little fan service?

Anyway, Momoko chooses her Wii avatar. What’s it called again? A Mii? Wouldn’t it be a Mo in her case?

Awww… she looks so adorable with that sorta-smile! Of course, my bias for the peachy one is a matter of public record – and private restraining orders – but how can anyone not fall for her? She even rocks this stupid, fugly Dschinghis Khan outfit, and Yurina was the only other one able to perform that minor miracle.

Here she’s looking determined, the same look I’m sure she has when she captures flies and tears off their wings with a tweezer, one at a time.

This challenge involves picking stuff out of some chart or something. I don’t give a shit, I’m just glad it’s Momoko doing the random time-wasting.

So let’s imagine that this challenge is about the proper etiquette for H!P Kids Makeout Parties.

“Captain, the last time we had a party, were you happy with my technique?”

“It was okay, Momoko-chan, but you don’t have to start out all grabby. Ease your way into it, work down to the shirt before heading for the nipples.”

“I can’t help it! Your tight little midget dancer body just turns me on!”

Anyway, Momoko is confronted with choosing between heavy petting with two hands or using one hand to balance oneself better in order to climb on top of one’s partner. Considering her height and that of her opponent, the latter seems tempting…

“Maimi-chan, make sure when Momoko grabs you, to hold onto her right wrist first and guide it to your ass before she starts working down the front of your dress.”

“Good strategy, Erika-chan.”

“Of course I’d want to get on top. But my petting technique is best when I use both hands in distinct rubbing motions.”

Ha! The correct answer was, “Grab her by the hair so she falls to the floor, then jump her like crazed mountain lion.” This is also known as the Kanna Bitch Slap Pile-On move in H!P circles.

Here Momoko does her impression of a crazed mountain lion. Rowwwrrr!

This plate of food does not look appetizing to me. It should, but it doesn’t.

If this was Hello! Morning all the girls would be salivating and jumping up and down and oohing and ahhing. That was so great back then, when even the sight of food would make Musumes go wild with hunger.

The only other group of people I’d seen behave that way towards food on television are the cast of Survivor: Jeff Probst would offer as a reward something like leftover hot dogs the camera crew threw in a garbage pail, and you’d see grown men and women stamping their feet in desire going, “Oh, I haven’t eaten other people’s garbage in so long! Tell me there’s buns in the pail as well! And cigarette ashes for flavor! We’ve got to win this challenge!”

Here, Saki says something about how she’s glad to grow gracefully out of puberty. Momoko and Maimi agree, Erika tries to ignore what she’s hearing.

Anyway, Momoko apparently gets this question wrong too, but whatever.

“What the fuck is this? Why won’t someone let us play Gears of War already, for Christ’s sake?”

Actually, this could be a shot from an FPS game… maybe planting a landmine so that somebody spawns right on top of it? But wait, dirty spawning tricks would make this Halo multiplayer, wouldn’t it?

“Maimi-chan, you should go with a sniper rifle from a distance and a shotgun for immediate protection.”

“Ehhh? Why not just go with the energy sword and rocket launcher?”

Momoko becomes even more determined. “If only Hello! Project had just one neck that I could cut off its head…!”

Score!

“Never mind! I love you!”

Maimi shows she’s a good sport about having her and all her co-workers threatened in such a classically Roman fashion. Erika actually looks kind of cute here, I’m surprised to say.

I like to think that Momoko constantly recites a mantra that goes, “My wota love me. They will kill for me,” and that this is what makes her so happy.

If Maimi had a mantra, it’d be, “I’m a hottie I’m a hottie I’m a hottie and I’m only sixteen”.

Anyway, another item of food, this one looking real tasty. I’m looking at this and really wanting it. It’s hard to find decent bagels in Hawaii. Not enough New York Jews around to get it right.

Momoko goes, “I made this for you with my special Lucrezia Borgia seasonings.”

Maimi tries not to get psyched out at the switch to Medieval Italy, but gets the answer wrong anyway.

Hey, an episode of H!P Kids Makeout Party has popped up in the middle of Berikyuu!

“Third base! Lemme get to third base, you magnificent sexy bitch!”

And now the next challenge, which takes advantage of the latest Internet craze…

Yes! Choose the right prop for a round of Two Girls One Cup!

Score! Okay, time for Maimi and Momoko to chug some metamucil…

“Come on, Momoko, we’ve seen Kanna do something like this in her pink leather dungeon. Her legs were spread wide like this!”

Maimi looks over the instructions to re-enact the internet craze.

“Technically speaking, urine is sterile,” Saki adds. “So I don’t see what’d make excrement any worse.”

“Okay, we’re going to need… what? Finger down the throat? No…”

Ipecac for the win!

“Yes! Emetics and enemas for everyone!”

“We should also steal some poppers from Chisato’s secret stash,” Momoko suggests.

Anyway, the results are tallied up. There’s a hush of anticipation because, you know, it’s not like the girls were able to keep track for themselves… of three questions each…

But keep this in mind: it looks like there was some editing to shorten this challenge between Momoko and Maimi, in order to fit the allotted time what with the Manoeri Clue and all the shilling at the end.

Think of that. What we’re watching is in effect a highlight reel of a very short minigame. This is the very best moments of the entire process.

Anyway, they tally up the score and find Momoko was beaten by Maimi, 1 to 2.

Don’t worry, Momoko. Just give us the word and we’ll eliminate all your enemies.

As for you, Miss Duets With Nacchi And Looks Older Than She Is Instead Of Younger Which Would Be Hotter For Pedolicious Loving Wota Like Myself… um…

Shit, I spent so long giving her a nickname, I forgot what I was going to say.

Anyway, this second week was a vast improvement because it has Momoko. That’s all I really want. Momoko and Momoko and Momoko. It’s not that hard to please me. We can have a show called Momoko Scratches Her Ass For Three Minutes and I’ll be a pig in zen about it. Momoko is the formula for success and all I need to keep watching this stupid fucking show.

Well, H!P Kids Makeout Party would also be a good idea, too.

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5 Responses to “Berikyuu! Episode 6: The Star Finally Shines”
  1. Raid says:

    I LOL-ed too many times on this post. xD Which is rare, since I hardly find H!P-musings funny.

    “Shit, I spent so long giving her a nickname, I forgot what I was going to say” Classic.

  2. cfb says:

    I didn’t even think it was possible, but this is SO much better than the others. Keep it up, Ray!

    – Zac

  3. Vladimir says:

    Ray, you are a god among wotas, and an example for rabid fanboys everywhere.

  4. MomotarĊ says:

    Perhaps if I could be convinced her rivals were in fact demons…

  5. Chris says:

    Ray, I wish you produced this show!

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