The TMI Post

Filed in Cult Of Pop 2.0

I’ve been slammed with writing deadlines this week and been neglecting this blog. (No, really?) The recent spate of comments had me thinking, though… If you think I’m offensive with my opinions here, you should hear what I’m like on a daily, real life basis. Once you get to know me, that is. I’m quiet and unassuming if you’re not familiar to me, but once I have you in my confidences, well… It’s like that moment in horror movies when you realize the friendly, old janitor has a collection of freshly decapitated heads in his closet.

Here’s a couple of examples. 

In recent weeks, I’ve told my wife several times that I’m replacing her with Momoko the first chance I get. No questions asked: when the time is ripe, I’m giving up my first marriage and hitching myself to the loveliest of monkey girl idols for the rest of my life.

For some reason, my wife’s taken the news quite well – perhaps because she was afraid it’d be Haruna, since we’ve had that SweetS poster hanging up for a long time. Perhaps because she feels the bond we share can withstand such challenges. Or perhaps because Momoko is thirteen, lives in Japan, and I have as much a chance of becoming mayor of Osaka as ever actually meeting her (or Haruna, for that matter).

But hey, if the chance ever comes up, she can’t say she wasn’t warned.

This brings up a fond memory, now that I think of it. In my late twenties, my mother began to bother me about when I’d get married. I finally told her, "Mom, the person I’m going to marry hasn’t graduated from kindergarten yet." She never pestered me about this again, and was likely relieved that my eventual wife turned out to be only a couple years younger than me.

(That’s not the worse, though: I once sent her a Mother’s Day card with a picture of me in drag. She still won’t talk to me about that.) 

Second incident:

At work a few days ago I was watching the close-up version of Berryz Koubo’s "Happiness ~Koufuku Kangei~" with a new employee at the office, a beautiful young lady whose name reminds me of a favorite Marquis De Sade novel. (When I explained to this person the plot of said novel, she was a little disturbed.) Anyway, she’s telling me who she thinks is attractive in the Berryz PV and who isn’t (she actually prefers Saki, of all people – though admittedly, Saki looks better than usual here), I’m extolling the virtues of Chinami’s pink ribbon pigtails. At the end, there’s a closing shot of Risako, who seems ready to break out into laughter.

Timing it properly, I say as wistfully as possible, "She’s so cute… I don’t know if I want her for a daughter or a wife."

My co-worker freaks out and laughs at the same time. I then tell her about the worst thing I ever said in the office – a statement that involves sex and cannibalism – to help put things in perspective.


One of the things that motivates some people is a desire to prove themselves better than those around them – or at least their equals. For some reason, I don’t have that motivation – if anything, the polarities had been reversed and I gain much happiness from proving how much worse I am. I actually don’t think I’m all that different from other folks – except maybe for the tranny Mother’s Day card – but I prefer to accentuate different things about myself than others would. The icky things.

Why that is, I’m not sure. I know lowered expectations can work in your favor if you play them right. (One of the things I quickly established in all my romantic relationships as an adult is my partner’s full understanding of my viewing habits and preferred kinks. Trust me, it’s a lot easier than pretending you’re an upstanding citizen and having to hide your porn stash and handcuffs all the time.) I also know that bringing out the more impolite thoughts in one’s head may not always be appropriate, but often makes for better conversation. (It also earns you way too much easy trust. "If he can admit this, he has nothing to hide." Yeah, keep believing that…) Last but by no means least, I know now that life’s too short to hide what you really think – staircase wit may be amusing, but gutter humor from the heart is better for your health. (Unless it gets you beaten up.)

I do like my preteen idols a great deal, obviously. I also adore some post-teen idols, though no names besides Namie comes to mind right now… I have a strange way of showing it, but it’s coming from the heart (and other regions of the body), and as untethered as I can get, I do have some sense of reality and proportion. I just prefer to ignore it whenever possible. It’s like the otaku variant of a drama queen, blogging as theater. Having such a deep and abiding affection for my favorite idols, I can express it nice as well as nasty. And sometimes, that nasty itch just has to be scratched.

This is all rhetorical sleight-of-hand, by the way. It’s easier and much faster to babble about myself than to finish up Chokkan 2 Close-Up Month (amazing how time passes) or dive into another H!P Science piece. (Never mind the elaborate End of Year crap percolating in my head and a short new Mikitty series I’d been thinking about.) I’ll get to those soon, I promise, but I’ve still got Primo Levi and Ray Bradbury to contend with…

In the meanwhile, I might as well confess to a couple of easter eggs now that the year’s almost done. Sometimes I do things just to amuse myself, then forget to share the joke with others. Anyway, there’s a hidden poem on this blog and a minor hoax I think I’ve gotten away with until now. The first should be easy to figure out, the second not so much. And there’s an illuminating bit of HTML commentary code in one of my most popular posts if you really want to waste your time.

And Momoko? If you’re reading this, I’m waiting. You know. If you ever decide you want to pull a Jerry Lee Lewis or anything.

I’m here. 


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4 Responses to “The TMI Post”
  1. S says:

    I’m quiet and unassuming if you’re not familiar to me, but once I have you in my confidences, well… It’s like that moment in horror movies when you realize the friendly, old janitor has a collection of freshly decapitated heads in his closet.
    Something tells me we would get along great together. 🙂

    Re: Easter eggs: I found one (the Alternate last line), but not the first two. The hidden poem should be easy to figure out? hmm….

  2. niji says:

    “Miyabi, Chinami / Maasa’s feeling balmy / Yurina, Risako / Saki, where did she go?”

    Is this the hidden poem?

    The hoax and the commentary, I don’t think I’ll look for. I don’t feel like checking every single post you have till now. Maybe you could save those as a New Year’s present (I’m anti-religiocentrism) if no one’s found it yet by then.

  3. niji says:

    I forgot to mention: cute screencaps!!! It’s hard to be a closet lolicon seeing shots like this. LOL XP

  4. The “Kokomo” joke is not the hidden poem.

    And yeah, I was thinking of revealing the easter eggs on New Year’s, now that the cat’s out of the bag.