Tanaka Reina and Tanned Rika, a Couple of Pussies, and a Flaming Faggot

Filed in Cult Of Pop 2.0

I love Tanaka Reina. Not the deep, abiding love that will last beyond life and common sense. (No, I save that kind of love for members of SweetS and W.) But she’s my favorite member of Morning Musume’s current line-up and all the blogging I’ve done on Avex girl groups recently has made me forget that there she is, the greatest thing since sliced bread – and just about as thin – and I haven’t really dwelt on her wonderfulness the way I have on Haruna or Tachibana or Amuro.

Then a damn pussy woke me up to the truth and reminded me of just how wonderful Tanaka is. But it may be too late… too late…

Anyway! Ishikawa Rika and Tanaka Reina have been chosen to host some segment on a Miyazaki Hayao event of some sort. I didn’t want to be bothered with details like the name of the show, when it played, or the exact nature of the Miyazaki event. It looks like a museum display of some sort, which is deserved because Miyazaki is up there with Tezuka Osamu as a key architect of the Japanese imagination…

But never mind the geniuses. I’m amazed at how tan Rika looks – pretty damn ganguro, if you ask me. Even darker than Berryz’s Chinami.

And apparently, she has the impulses of a ganguro girl, as well. Some slick-looking motherfucker in a suit comes by with his fat friend – okay, they’re both guys in Miyazaki cat costumes, but whatever – and Rika lets herself get escorted away by this Pink Panther wannabe. Rika thinks this is okay, leaving Reina with the slick fucker’s fat friend.

I’m struck at how this is exactly the nightmare I barely avoided in Amuro Namie’s “Wo Wa” PV. Cartoon cats and Jpop idols should never, ever mix. That’s all there is to it.

As it turns out, the cats were just leading the girls to the displays at this event. At one of the displays, Tanashikawa (no, doesn’t roll off the tongue like Ishiyoshi or Tsujikago) strike up a conversation with a flaming faggot. That is, with a bunch of sticks set on fire.

They are soon joined by a human who I’m sure says something informative about the flaming faggots. The man must be a part of the Miyazaki event, since his hair and facial features indicate either a desire to emulate anime or a really faaaaabulous sense of style. Like Dean Stockwell in Blue Velvet fabulous, actually, which is kind of creepy.

This is only a five-minute segment and a good minute or two was devoted to footage of such classics as Spirited Away and, um…Whatever. Okay, I don’t think I’ve ever paid strict attention while watching any Miyazaki films. I’m more of a Satoshi Kon fan, even if he’s not a national institution like Miyazaki or Tezuka.

So what was I getting at?

Have I mentioned how beautiful and natural Reina appears in this segment? She’s just your average girl-next-door yankee kind of idol, right? And her outfit is so adorable… Not what she’d typically wear by any means, but it looks nice on her.

It looks nice on Ishikawa, too, but Rika’d look even better if Yui was hanging onto her leg, or Yossi hanging onto her breasts. Which has nothing to do with the outfits, but I’m just saying that’d help, is all.

Anyway, in the closing seconds of the segment, Ishikawa and the guy who looks like Moe from The Simpsons are saying something and then turn towards Reina to find a surprise!

Reina has jumped into the arms of the slick white tuxedoed cat motherfucker! I know it’s a recreation of that anime shot earlier in the segment, but I’m filled with a jealous rage at this point. Which is pointless, of course, but who can control the whims of the otaku heart?

I mean, Good Fucking Lord on a Crutch, I can’t believe how jealous I am of a man in a goddamn cat costume. Seriously. Being able to hold Reina in your arms and run around with her holding onto your neck… that’s what disturbing night-time smiles that provoke arguments with the wife the next morning are made of.

And perhaps most surprising of all, Reina in this position looks chunkier than Rika. Which is like comparing a #2 pencil to a twig, considering how skinny both of them are… But Reina’s natural skinniness has always alarmed me slightly, despite whatever erotic undercurrents bony girls can evoke in the properly sadistic mind. So maybe this means she’s putting on a little weight? Or that the outfit is just way padded. Who knows.

Setting aside all the ranting, this was a pretty fun segment in its own way. I know I felt like I was missing out some on the wonder of Miyazaki, but it was great seeing Tanaka almost on her own. She may have played second fiddle to the considerably older and more experienced Rika, but in the end it was her playfulness that sticks with me.

And the inexplicable, burning rage at seeing someone else clutch her like this. Maybe if it was SMAP’s Shingo or Gackt, I’d be okay with that… but a guy in a cat costume? Someone who tried to run off with ganguro Rika first? Those aren’t the arms you want to jump into, Reina.

But there’s a silver lining to such dark clouds, of course.

Seeing Tanaka in another man’s arms – even if the guy is probably worried more about suffocating under that cat head than copping a feel off a skinny teenage girl – has shamed me into remembering how precious Reina is. The girl who led Aa! and made that Otome Gumi punk song truly rawk and the plaything of Satoda Mai in that shuffle video and one of the best voices in Morning Musume after Fujimoto… as well as one of the more interesting personalities in Morning Musume, behind Fujimoto and Yoshizawa.

Anyway, I’m just saying: Reina won’t be ignored by me again like this.

And at least it wasn’t Deputy Dawg whose arms she jumped in.

Next: Tanaka Reina reminds me of a living Japanese national treasure who isn’t Miyazaki Hayao. You may want to miss this one.


Comments (Comments are closed)

12 Responses to “Tanaka Reina and Tanned Rika, a Couple of Pussies, and a Flaming Faggot”
  1. Chris~ says:

    Excellent article!
    Looking forward to you writing more about Tanaka Reina.

  2. Alice says:

    The bunch of sticks on fire was the fire demon from Howl’s Moving Castle.

  3. niji says:

    This is easily the funniest article you’ve written yet. I love Reina too — admittedly, without Reina, I wouldn’t even bother with MoMusu’s current lineup… oh wait, there’s also Takahashi… digressing though — but reading about you lashing out at someone wearing a slick and suave cat costume was just hilarious beyond reason. And for all you know, it could be a girl underneath all that fabric. ROTFL XP

    I have to agree with you though, Reina in that outfit was like the promise of heaven fulfilled. I could yell “Kawaii!” in an unwavering tone for all days and that wouldn’t even fully describe that sight. I could say more but I’d be a zombie by the end of my post if I go on. 🙂

  4. niji says:

    By the way, “Ishinaka” sounds natural.

  5. santos26 says:

    I haven’t seen this footage. Thanks for analysys and report!!

    And Japanese fans call this tag “Rikarena”. Each member of MM has a 2-vowel prefix to be used in these Ishiyoshi kinda words.
    Reina’s is “Rena.” “Makorena”, “Sayurena”, “Erirena”… etc.

  6. niji says:

    “Rikarena” sounds weird. I don’t care what the Japanese fans say, I’m sticking with Ishinaka. LOL XP

  7. Santos: thanks for the tag info.

    “Heyyyyy Makorena!” (Now I can’t get that song out of my head.)

    Alice, thanks for the Miyazaki info.

    niji, the notion of a woman underneath that costume just… disturbs me…

  8. Wapiko says:

    Because “gay man” would have been too tame to write?

  9. Hooray for Boobies says:

    Are you serious, Wapiko? “Faggot” = “bundle of sticks.” They didn’t meet a gay man. (Well, judging by how unimpressed that cat seemed when he was holding Reina, they may have, but that’s not what Ray was talking about.)

  10. Wapiko says:

    I stand corrected then. XD

    Sorry, racist/homophobic slurs just kind of trigger me.

  11. Jarret says:

    I wish I understood why Reina was so cute. It really doesn’t make sense.

    Ishikawa ruins those pictures, man.

  12. niji says:

    What’s to understand? Reina’s cute and that’s that. 🙂

    It’s not Ishikawa who’s ruining the snaps though — she’s attractive in her own way — it’s that damn monobrow guy with the annoying smirk who shouldn’t be there.