Just sitting here on a raining day reading conspiracy sites and Jpop blogs has made me think of a few things I’ve been meaning to get off my chest.
As the effect of trying to please everyone who happens across my blog too much, the quality of my blog has suffered greatly. In the 6 months of 2008 that I blogged I had 56 posts, and in 2009 I had 141 posts. That’s roughly 197 posts about H!P. In October 2009 I announced some changes to my blog, that I would officially be covering all idol groups not just H!P and occasional posts about JE. After the announcment you’d think I’d have about 5 times as much posts as I usually do, but the fact is I have even less then usual. Right now I have about 64 posts for 2010. Which is pitiful compared to what I should have. And what’s the reason behind that? I don’t want to be too biased toward one group. Back in 2008 and 2009 when I was blogging about H!P solely, I made posts about everything going on in H!P. I mean everything! Photobooks, CM, previews, sometimes even comments about pictures. But since I expanded beyond that I stopped reporting every single piece of news. Because if I focused too much on H!P it wouldn’t be fair to JE or other idol groups, my idol blog would be too one sided.
So that leaves me where I am now. Not wanting to post too much news or too much info about each agency. So I end up only posting half of what I’d like to. And since I focus too much about what I shouldn’t be posting, I completely forget about all the other idol groups. Not only that I think to blog about any other idol group/agency I have to be a 100% complete super fan that knows every small detail about the music, members, history, and background before I can even post about the artist at all. There’s been a few things about AKB48 that I’ve physically stopped myself from posting because I don’t know AKB48 by the back of my hand yet. So then I also worry that I’m not catering to AKB48 fans enough. And I become momentarily defeated.
But actually when I first started posting in 2008 I knew very little about C-ute and Berryz Koubou. I had literally just started listening to them a few months prior to creating my blog, because when I first got into H!P for the first 2 years I only listened to Morning Musume. When I first started blogging I didn’t even know each member of Berryz Koubou and C-ute’s names. That’s a fact. Yet I blogged about them anyway. Since I’ve gotten more comfortable with blogging I feel I absolutely have to know everything about each group to make a half way decent post. Which in turns puts an insane amount of unnecessary pressure on me. Turning something I do in my free time as a hobby, into something more serious than it is. And at the same time makes my blog suffer.
I also get extremely discouraged that my blog gets pretty much zero recognition. Of course back in 2008, when I was a silly 16 year old with no grasp on making a well thought out post, it didn’t bother me much. But from time to time it does take a big toll on me. Even though I make this blog 100% for myself alone not to be the biggest blog in the world, it still hurts when my well thought out posts get basically ignored. Or I see a post getting featured on a blog that is less then deserving. Especially when I have similar posts. And being completely modest and not arrogant, my posts are sometimes a lot better written. I’ve also considered to stop witting all together from time to time. Since my blog isn’t really all that popular anyway. And practically the only way to make it popular is to have my blog featured on other blogs. But after asking to be featured about 6 times, and not being featured for no reason at all. I stopped trying and chalked it up as not being important or worth my time to try anymore.
But to quit blogging for such a selfish reason would make me an immature child that can’t deal with inadequacy. But since I’m still a human I can’t help but have those feelings from time to time.
I guess I’m just in a very sombre, apathetic, almost self loathing mood. Or maybe I just take things way more seriously then I should. Or perhaps I give meaning to things I shouldn’t. Or I just make things a bigger part of my life then they should be. But as I move closer and closer to have been blogging for 2 years, if feels like I didn’t accomplish anything. And blogs that are 2 years old or younger seem to have way more views and exposure than my own.
I should just end this post here. Anymore and I sound like a crybaby. Or someone who is looking for people to feel sorry for her. But I assure you neither was my intention. I was merely getting things off my chest. And basically giving an explanation for blog posts about AKB48, Idoling!!!, and etc in the near future. Even though I’m not a super intense fan of them. I honestly don’t care about that anymore. Beside there are popular blogs out there that make posts saying such and such PV is out, post the video, and end their post. And still get featured on blogs. So what difference would it make if I’m not a mega fan, or might have limited or noobish knowledge of them?